Jokes

View this collection as a list instead of the 3D world.

• What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class? Doctor

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• Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

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• I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

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• Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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• What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up? He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

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• You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.

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• What do you call a Cuban Atheist? Infidel Castro.

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• I saw an Elsa blanket. I didn’t get it though, the cold never really bothered me anyways.

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• How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store? Barbecue

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• Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth. ... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

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• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

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• Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong. but i say, whatever floats your goat

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• What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes

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• Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

  Tags: puns

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• I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

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• I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman.

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• A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

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• If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called. A dictatorsheep

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• What do you call an airship made up of lights? An LED Zeppelin

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• If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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• Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

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• When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

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• Saw a guy at a bar chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "Well, I never - he's trying to pull a fast one!"

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• I tried to explain what integers are. It was pointless

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• I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

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• What did the evil fraction say? You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail? When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

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• I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

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• What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Any wire cut to length will be too short.

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• What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond? The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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• If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

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• What do you call a hacker who can see the future? A 4chan teller.

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• Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

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• A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

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• I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

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• Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore. I can’t count on anybody.

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• What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

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• A group of introverts is called an oxymoron. Please help me

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• [Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens

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• Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

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• My friend asked me if I was going to Asia... I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

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• What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning? Gluten-tag

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• Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him

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• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

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• Pavlov is sitting at a bar when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

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• What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other? Gluten tag

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.

  Tags: tech

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• How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

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• How can you tell when an alto is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.

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• What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime

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• Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

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• Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen. Detective 2: that adds up

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

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• The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

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• If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?

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• If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.

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• If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster. You're officially out of Luck this season.

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• What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates.

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• A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

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• Today I quit drinking for good. now I only drink for evil

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• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

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• What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze

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• I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

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• I got mugged by 6 dwarves . not Happy.

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• If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean I don't matter?

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• My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results speak for themselves

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• What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.

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• When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

  Tags: medical

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• No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

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• Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man

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• A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

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• You are dust and you shall return to dust... Which is why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

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• A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof

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• You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

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• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

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• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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• I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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• Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?

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• I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.

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• If the earth really is flat. Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

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• What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

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• My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

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• I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist. and worse... she can prove it.

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• I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle. and a lifetime ban from the zoo

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• You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

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• Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

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• When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund? When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

  Tags: one-liners, money

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• What's the difference between Americans and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

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• Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

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• What is Canada’s national board game? Sorry

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• How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks

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• What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.

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• My friend told me I don't know what irony is... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

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• Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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• If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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• My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

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• My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.

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• Two silk worms are in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie.

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• It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

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• If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.

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• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

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• I just aced my philosophy test. The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

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• A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand. But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

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• Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra? You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

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• Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

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• My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.

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• Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell? He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.

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• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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• My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?" Because he ate too many cowleries.

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• Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

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• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

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• alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

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• I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

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• What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter? They both went to Mount Vernon.

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• Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams.

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• You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

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• Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

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• I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine..

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• I have an inferiority complex..... It's not a very good one, though.

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• Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds? Because it hertz.

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• So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it. It's a little plane.

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• So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

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• what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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• How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

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• What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun? Nothing. They had beef between them.

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• What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin? Justin.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

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• Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

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• My calculator is really reliable. I can always count on it.

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• Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

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• If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist. They will cosine for you.

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• What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished

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• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  Tags: animal

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• Why can't you trick an unemployed jester? Because he's nobody's fool!

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• I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

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• 365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year

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• What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

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• How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.

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• What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross? Crop yield

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• What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza? One can feed a family.

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• Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow? So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

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• Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe

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• I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

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• I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast. But Life is often disappointing.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

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• Fun fact. Before the invention of the crow bar most crows got drunk at home

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• What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2

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• how do you get from sweden to russia? you cross the finnish line

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• My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

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• What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?

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• The Artist. I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

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• I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

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• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins. It was impossible to differentiate between them.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

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• Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

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• I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great. Half of my heart is in Havana

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• Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.

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• A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

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• Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He can't read it anyway

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• There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading. No one knows the Cure

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands? Washed up musicians.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

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• I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.

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• A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar, All hands lost.

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• Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?

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• How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

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• Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T

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• What is Gepetto's favorite cereal? I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Because he is the Supreme Reader.

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• Why is Google Chrome like a submarine? They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.

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• I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

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• What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar

  Tags: one-liners

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• A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show. Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

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• There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why don't cannibals eat Gospel singers? They keep throwing up their hands.

  Tags: one-liners, music

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• Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows

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• Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why is Antarctica sad? cuz it's iceolated....

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  Tags: animal

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• If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

  Tags: one-liners

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• How are bats like real-estate agents? It’s all echo-location location location

  Tags: one-liners

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• Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Fact. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

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• My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!

  Tags: one-liners

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• Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once.

  Tags: one-liners, science

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• Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are. Remarkable

  Tags: one-liners

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• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

  Tags: bar

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• "Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

  Tags: one-liners

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• There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

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• I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

  Tags: misc

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• My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

  Tags: one-liners

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• People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals. .are missing the point.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause

  Tags: one-liners

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• Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  Tags: misc

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• What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie? Total recall

  Tags: one-liners

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• I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

  Tags: one-liners

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• "Siri, why am I single?" Siri: opens front face camera

  Tags: one-liners

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• what's a zombie's favorite cereal? Brain Flakes

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades? By shaving with them.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why are Jedi so bad at rugby? Because there is no try.

  Tags: one-liners, sports

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• The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit? Because it had no legal grounds

  Tags: one-liners, food

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• I didn't like my haircut at first. But it's growing on me.

  Tags: one-liners

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• 5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC... There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected

  Tags: one-liners

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• I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

  Tags: one-liners

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• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ? No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

  Tags: one-liners, animal

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• Can You Understand Binary?

  There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

  Tags: one-liners

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• What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me

  Tags: one-liners

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• I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently. Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

  Tags: one-liners

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• My dad's bread factory burnt down. Now his business is toast

  Tags: one-liners

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• Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

  Tags: one-liners

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• You can't solve every problem with calculus. It has its limits

  Tags: one-liners, math

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• She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

  Tags: one-liners

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• LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  Tags: one-liners

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• If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

  Tags: one-liners

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• Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

  Tags: misc

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• I don't have time for the Fall Equinox. But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

  Tags: one-liners

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• I saw a lizard. and it became a spotted lizard

  Tags: one-liners

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• That's a nice ham you have there. It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

  Tags: one-liners

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• Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

  Tags: one-liners

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• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  Tags: misc

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• Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.

  Tags: one-liners

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• I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. and she whispered "They're behind you."

  Tags: one-liners

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• What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.

  Tags: one-liners

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