While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
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While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkJoke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkYou know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkImagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI have nothing to declare except my genius.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkThere are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhy didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkWhy was titanium afraid of iron and argon? Because there is nothing to fear but FEAR itself
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAccording to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.
Tags: misc
PermalinkHow did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
Tags: one-liners, music
Permalink16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.
Tags: misc
PermalinkDid you hear about the pasta and its cooking water? Their relationship was strained.
Tags: one-liners, food
Permalink“A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”. - By Bob Andweave
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI received a letter stating I have outstanding debt. I thought, “Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!”
Tags: one-liners, money
Permalink"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Tags: tech
PermalinkMy landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkWhy do british people pronounce it as bri'ish? They drank the T
Tags: one-liners
Permalink90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAs a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHave you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?? He's 0K now.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.
Tags: sports
PermalinkStudent: Are well and actually both one syllable words. Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Tags: puns
PermalinkHow warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkThe doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
Tags: one-liners, medical
PermalinkWhat do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
Tags: one-liners
Permalinkwhat has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkOne good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHealth is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks. Its nice to have a bit of company
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm possible."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.
Tags: misc
PermalinkProfessionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAll I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Tags: one-liners, money
Permalink6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat happened after the wheel was invented? a revolution
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFriends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAuntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA fool and his money are soon partying.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But thats Heinz sight.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI always wanted to learn to procrastinate... just never got around to it.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
Permalink-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkMy nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNeil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAn Integer walks to a String and asks for its number. String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.
Tags: one-liners, animal, food
PermalinkHow do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb? They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI got kicked out of school for playing an instrument. I got band
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkAn interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Tags: sports
PermalinkHow did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are mathematicians always so happy? Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkLaughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkThor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Tags: puns
PermalinkI would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkKim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkA person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSmart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhy can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast? They choke when they get too close to a bowl.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhy did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you were a triangle youd be acute one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMost people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhere do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWoodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?
Tags: misc
PermalinkYo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhats the most pointless thing that actually exists? Circles.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?
Tags: one-liners, money
PermalinkThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? "Shall we prey!"
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI think pennies are made of copper and zinc. But that’s just my two cents
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkIf people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Tags: animal
PermalinkWhat do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI recently started dating an archaeologist. It just goes to show that they will date anything.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkI want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call 2 broadway shows going out for dinner? Play date.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkApparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkPeople don't get my puns. They think they're funny.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEveryone seems normal until you get to know them
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery program I write is completely error-free. No exceptions!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkThe invention of the spoon was an important point in human history. It caused...quite a stir.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy boss said my math skills are average. That's just mean.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhere did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCongratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis is why I don't tell Math jokes. The average maths joke is pretty mean
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.
Tags: at-work
PermalinkRemember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah. He's also a trained taxidermist
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkI've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThis morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMath puns are the first sine of madness!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHere's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is the key
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTwo Teemos sit in a brush. One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkNow that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkAll of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Tags: misc
PermalinkMosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkTeacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen? Me: We have the same teacher.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhat did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSoftware architects should never design high security fences. They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhen I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it? I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkAlbert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics. His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.
Tags: one-liners, science
PermalinkI used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkMy dentist removed the wrong tooth. It was accidental.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down? They don’t want to dialog
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.
Tags: one-liners
Permalink“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Tags: tech
PermalinkWhat did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSomeone told me they didn't like calculus. I told them their opinion would change over time.
Tags: one-liners, math
PermalinkGive a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships. ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCrime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDid you hear about the baker that got arrested? He spent a dozen weeks in custardy
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling. Just kidding, I made you smile :)
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.
Tags: one-liners, animal
PermalinkMy doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often. Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkInterviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible." Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkEvery morning is the dawn of a new error.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkOne eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."
Tags: misc
PermalinkI celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkFor Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia. Australia is a country and a continent.
Tags: one-liners, sports
Permalinkwhat is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch
Tags: one-liners, food
PermalinkWhere does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkCats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Tags: one-liners, animal, programming
PermalinkBoss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy are monks so good at protesting? The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkDoctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Tags: medical
PermalinkSomedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkThen there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDon't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSo, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkMy teacher frowned at me when I handed in my trigonometry test paper. I don't think that's a good sine
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat’s worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIf he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"
Tags: misc
PermalinkWhat do you call the single grain of corn on the tree? Acorn
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI saw a grave sweeper at the cemetery and asked him if the place was haunted. He said no, he hadn't seen a ghost in over 200 years.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkSome people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
Tags: one-liners, sports
PermalinkThe minus button is missing from my calculator. I guess it won't make any difference.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkIt's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
Tags: puns
PermalinkKids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWant to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.
Tags: one-liners, music
PermalinkWhat do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means. What a legend.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkThe trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhy doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Tags: misc
PermalinkA grizzly walks to the checkout line with salmon and honey. The clerk says, "Gotcha. Just the bear necessities."
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
Tags: one-liners, at-work
PermalinkWhy do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkI went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkHow many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkDoes anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet? Because I'm drawing a blank.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!
Tags: misc
PermalinkI don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
Tags: one-liners, programming
PermalinkMy mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
Tags: one-liners
PermalinkWhat does a baby computer call its father? Data.
Tags: one-liners, programming
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